Met this black girl from Japan this week. She said something crazy dope in reflection to our conversations…
"I fear being loved, fully. I fear loving someone, fully and having that taken away from me."
Being up at 1:30 in the morning in my friends studio with not a drop of sleepiness in my body as I type away here is not helping to drown out those words as I wait for someone to do SOMETHING on twitter, or facebook or my gmail. Waiting for someone to maybe say “Hey, love you.” Meanwhile I find myself emailing the last thing I ever loved.. knowing she’s asleep though and I wont get a email back until the morning… I cant even pursue a music project right now until its all cleared up, I feel.
I was on FB, looking at some new photo’s of an old ex. It seemed she moved to New York to become a model. I thought to myself “this is another one. I fucked up the relationship with this one too… with my big mouth and my control freak intellect.” This person I remember crying to me she loved me so much… And I was cold, unmovable and judgemental.. the way I learned to be growing up with no family. I never had anyone, so I dont know how to have anyone…
I remember, being awfully romantic when I was younger. I thought I had it all figured out. But, then I came fully into this new consciousness and all types of business that must have went unfinished during my childhood comes up in these women I initially fall so hard for… and then I… scare them off with all my “what if’s?” and “buts” and “you shoulds” and labeling…
I have to be humble here… I… I dont think I know how to BE when im in love. Guess I’ll take this time while im single to figure it out.
"I dream too much, and I don’t write enough, and I’m trying to find God everywhere."
Anis Mojgai (via afrosandprose)
Knowone Was Here
Always a day late and a realization short
I do not like this feeling. Everytime I write I hope its my last. I hope that I have somehow figured it all out for myself and can go on with life with an esteem and estimate of myself completely ascendant of all those old abandonment trauma’s. Some of which I know have yet to be cleansed. And so I write and go back to my contentious melancholy with a false sense of self and a chip on my shoulder.
If, I one fine day, wake up in a bed of a well-lived-in apartment that I rent with my own money, with the sun peaking through the curtains onto my face and the sound of birds and morning traffic outside my window… Cook a vegan breakfast for myself and my wife to some cool jazz or j dilla beats… my hair in a great afro perfectly unkempt and sit back at this tumblr post able to laugh at it because of some philosophy I found I lacked to manifest that artsy afro-centric apartment sooner… If I someday find out that I could have been happyily married and in love to a woman and career and myself had I focused on this single or few philosophies sooner… I will be very angry.
Knowone Was Here
Looks like I was right on time to pull myself together motivation-wise and pursue my dreams of music and love and culture again, because my friends mother just asked me to leave by the end of the month. I told her it was no hard feelings. Her reason was simply that:
1. Because I cook so much, the gas bill is higher.
2. Because I cook so much, more dishes have to be washed and therefore the water bill is higher.
I’ve been here about 4 weeks; actually 2 weeks because I spent alot of time at my sisters house after I moved my things into my room here.
Its fine, I am noticing. I perceive only a slight bit of nervousness in my person because, I don’t know where I am going to go. My job made a mistake in my tax return form and I haven’t recieved my first check yet - I’ve not much money. The government shutdown has frozen my food stamps and the frequent moving over the past 2 months has made me unsure of what address to send my medical insurance and other updates too or, where they might have arrived. Not to mention the melancholy of how much I lost after the Community Organizer retreat.
I’ve no relatives on my mother’s side, and no mother.
I’ve no relatives on my father’s side, and no father.
All I have is myself, my friends and my spiritual path.
"Sometimes I start missing her,
I know thats just my destructive side coming back out."
Knowone Was Here